we drowned them all in their swimming pools

i missed the mark with everything again. it's no real shocker, but i'd like to get something right in my life once and a while. it's a nasty hot day here in fredericton and i plan to drink it away, in the company of my best friend johnny. i'm not seeking any epiphanies, just a gentle dullness to get me through the day.

shabbat shalom

jewee

an eightball isn't love

i need one thing that's divine

let me hear it tonight

- courtney love from the song mono

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like dirt in your fries

We tend associate things with people we know, purely based on personality. There's no psychological reason I've heard for why we do this. I do know it's part of human nature to categorise the items and people in our lives.

I will always associate "New Slang" by The Shins with Julian. It comes from a mix CD he made for me when we were dating. It also comes from seeing Garden State and identifying with the themes from the film. I was listening to the song while driving to school and was reminded of Julian and those wonderfully good feelings I had associated with him.

It's hard to dissociate songs from people, and I've tried to do so, mostly after the relationship ended with Julian. It didn't work. I came to the realisation that even though that things didn't happen the way I wanted, it was still good to have the memories of the nice things.

The odd thing is that Julian's initiated conversation after some time. Those associations I've made are still around and I won't dismiss them. Tweet

Happy Birthday Gaelen

Gaelen ... his actual birth date is a mystery, but we choose to celebrate it on July 26.

His is my best friend, surrogate father, and in general my emotional transference idol/vessel. I love Mr. G dearly, and I am completely blessed to have known him.

Happy birthday to you Gaelen.

All my love to you.

Julian-Courtney Tweet

Dear Jeff Tweedy ... "I'm the man who loves you"

Yeah ... Wilco ...

I am still in awe, and it's been 3 days since I had a massive Jeff Tweedy meltdown. On Thursday night two friends and myself went to see Wilco at the Playhouse in Fredericton ... it was a reaffirmation of my belief in God. I think I cried a little when Wilco performed "Handshake Drugs" ... I wish I had been there with my Sarah. I thought I had something significant to say, but I don't think I do ... this was all just Wilco jizz.

Shalom/Peace of Christ-y

Julian

the blinds were being pulled down on the dew
inside, out of love, what a laugh
i was looking for you

-wilco (handshake drugs)

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Qualifying or backtracking on Life Lessons

So ... I guess some people read my rather “rash” blog entry on love. Well some of those people read a lot of things into it. My last blog entry relates to no particular person (especially anyone here in Fredericton) or past relationship … I was just taking a moment to dump on myself and bluff off some stink. I guess this entry is gonna make it just seem worse, well fuck the universe.

last year
last call
you lost your ways
tell me what's the difference if i go back to normal again?

- Phoenix (from the song “Second to None”)

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I FORGOT ALL MY LIFE LESSONS … AGAIN

Another marathon weekend and the final stage can be cruel, liberating, and delusional. I spent quite a bit of time over past few days/nights pondering love. With all this thought, I'm pretty much still stuck at square one, as always and again. I'm trapped in a box I built, and I have no clue how to breakout. The passage of time is not making me see anything clearer ... fuck here I go again, probably.

I'’ll just do what I do ... I'’ll sink underneath the expectations and keep myself hidden.

i'm a faker
morning may crawl
fuck you
and fuck the universe
ah, etc.
fuck the universe
-- ryan adams --

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